Why I wish I could stop winning awards and focus on Love Island.
My name is Lynn and I forgot to have fun.
All my life I have been plagued with a terrible performance and need-to-fix-stuff preoccupation.
Top grades? Okay, I can do that! Start a business? Sure! Learn everything about self-development? On it! Challenge all the injustices in the world? Of course!
Everyone in my life – school teachers, family, partners, colleagues, medical professionals – told me to stop. Stop making lists. Stop working so hard. Stop reading so much. Stop giving me presentations when I arrive home about how we can address our relationship problems.
Whoops.
A case of misdirected energy? Probably.
And, because I couldn’t stop, I tried to fix why I couldn’t stop. Whoops again.
Why do I do this to myself? Why would someone choose to keep self-sabotaging and burning out? I only found out last year. Four letters – ADHD.
What?! I sit still for ages, prepare loads of information and that’s ADHD? It’s wild, I know.
ADHD brains are wired in a special way. To offer you a medical theory:
‘ADHD involves neurological dysfunction that can affect the brain’s reward system. One theory around hyperfocus is that the activity of interest activates the reward system in the brain so strongly that it becomes difficult to stop doing that activity…. people who hyperfocus have trouble regulating their attention levels. Many people living with ADHD have trouble keeping their attention on one task. In a way, overfocusing can be seen as an extension of this symptom. It still involves difficulty with concentration and focus. The difficulty just lies in the other direction.’.
You can read more over on the Healthline article.
Basically, I get so drawn into something, I literally can’t stop myself. My hair could be on fire, the bathroom could have a gushing leak, I could have bleeding feet, and it won’t be on my radar (all of these have happened). What seems important and of interest to me may not be what is important or helpful to my life, and those in it.
In a way, it’s great. It’s a ‘superpower’. This week someone likened me to Elsa from Frozen who has such strong powers that she cannot control them. I keep accidently freezing people, and a lot of the time I just want to hide in my ice castle.
I’m making steps to manage my brain.
I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to focus on Love Island, but today’s task is to work out how to incentivise breaks, self-care and fun. I’ve got loads of ideas (and lists) on this and I’ve done several ‘fun audits’.
Today I’m going to actually start doing them. Once I step away from my laptop… and can choose one to get started with…
p.s. Why am I writing this? So I can send the link to my friends and family, rather than another infodump about the latest research on myself. I’m trying to stop that. So I’ve disguised it in a blog post. Tee hee.
