‘When the Parents Change, Everything Changes’, by Paul Dix

What’s it about:

How to manage children’s behaviour and ‘cooly’ get the behaviour you want.

What Lynn learned:

·       Don’t just make up rules. Define ‘This is how we do it here’. I love that phrase.

·       Notice the positive behaviours. It may not have instant results but one day you might see the impact – for example, when one of the children Dix had worked with had saved two crumpled up blue post-its with praise on it. That was a lovely story.

·       If children don’t know how to ‘behave better’, it is because you, as the adult, have not taught them well enough. Frustrating, eh?

·       Rewards don’t work. They just create a reward-dependency that is not reflected in the adult world.

·       Stock de-escalation phrases – ‘that’s not how we do it here’, ‘I love you but I don’t love that behaviour’, and ‘I need to remind you of our agreement’ (p. 112).  

Fave quotes:

·       ‘Turning up not only in the good moments, but also when things are going badly and they need a hug of reassurance.’ (p. 58)

·       ‘When your child understands the rules, they have a secure and firm base on which to build better behaviour. Rules make children feel safe, even if they frequently challenge them’ (p. 85)

·       ‘3-2-1 fails because it takes the place of conversation, reminders, warnings and proportionality. It is one-way traffic coming at speed.’ (p. 147)

·       ‘Forcing children to regulate their emotions alone when they haven’t been taught how is just cruel’ (p.149).

Why relevant right now:

This is crucial reading for me as I am working directly with children. It’s clear that self-regulation supports positive behaviour in children, as well as supporting challenging situations with adult.

Interest factor: 3.5/5

Coffee table cred: 3/5

Ignorance of external world while reading: 4/5

Book cover design: 4/5

Help the existential crisis: 4/5